January 1st, 2014
I have been counting down the minutes. The last day of the year. Again.
The past two years, the same wishes were made. I'd walk around Schiller park, just north of the village, and vow that this would be the year that it all changes- I'd travel, I'd finish some quality music, I'd film some interesting videos and, just maybe, I'd find another lonely soul in need of a traveling companion on the journey from one year to the next.
Again, I start over empty handed.
Hello city. Remember me from last year? Let's try this again, from the top. This time with a little more feeling.
January 3rd, 2014
I've been thinking...about an escape
I could blog about it, but I'll just post the email I wrote to my friend in Santa Fe. Sure, I'll share my private messages to friends.Why the hell not?
Also, I'm lazy and I'm already looking for easy ways to get out of (really) updating this journal. I warned you it would be poorly maintained. I mean, it's right in the title.
Jer,
Thanks for the lovely early morning message on my wall. It definitely brightened my day. We will have to talk soon, so we can plan an adventure this year. I now officially have a two week vacation from April 26th until May 11th. I really want to take a road trip. I have a different car now, so I'm no longer worried about breaking down in the middle of nowhere.
I would love to make it down your way and (maybe) out to California, if I can handle the driving. California might be pushing it, but we will see. I really want to visit the redwood forest and wine country.
As I've mentioned in previous emails, I need the break. While I'm grateful for all that I have, ESPECIALLY the people I love, and I can't emphasize that enough, life has been such a struggle this year. A year of feeling lost, trying to center myself and trying to figure out my path. The worst part is often losing hope. I've realized one thing and it's that hope is the one thing that keeps people going and once that starts slipping, the color starts draining from the world. I think I've felt that for years, even while you were here, but I've foolishly tried to fake my way through it.
Then again, as you know, I'm not a quitter. I feel inspired by your journey and whereas I felt when we first met, I was trying to help you through your trials, you can really help guide me on the right path. Perhaps new scenery and a friend lending an ear is what I need. I need to see the beauty of the world and that it's not all the same colorless, day to day cycle that I've subjected myself to for the last 7 years. I want music and warmth and laughter in my life again. I want fun. Most of all, I want hope.
That said, we will talk soon, I'm sure. I hope you have a wonderful New Year. I will be talking a walk and then will spend some time with some of the new songs I've been writing. This "down period" has resulted in terrible writer's block as well...that makes it even worse! That said, not a quitter. The words will flow again.
take care and talk soon,
B
January 7th, 2014
So, what does the normal person do when their lease is going to be up at the end of the month?
A. Find a new apartment
B. Move in with family
C. Find a couch to crash on temporarily
D. Nothing. Life is short and you should be free like the wind! YOLO!
If you answered D. Nothing. Life is short and you should be free like the wind! YOLO! we might have more in common than we ever expected!! Also, isn't YOLO just the greatest expression ever? I mean, it's so inspirational. Totes love it!
Just kidding. Don't ever fucking say yolo.
January 10th, 2014
I have been counting down the minutes. The last day of the year. Again.
The past two years, the same wishes were made. I'd walk around Schiller park, just north of the village, and vow that this would be the year that it all changes- I'd travel, I'd finish some quality music, I'd film some interesting videos and, just maybe, I'd find another lonely soul in need of a traveling companion on the journey from one year to the next.
Again, I start over empty handed.
Hello city. Remember me from last year? Let's try this again, from the top. This time with a little more feeling.
January 3rd, 2014
I've been thinking...about an escape
I could blog about it, but I'll just post the email I wrote to my friend in Santa Fe. Sure, I'll share my private messages to friends.Why the hell not?
Also, I'm lazy and I'm already looking for easy ways to get out of (really) updating this journal. I warned you it would be poorly maintained. I mean, it's right in the title.
Jer,
Thanks for the lovely early morning message on my wall. It definitely brightened my day. We will have to talk soon, so we can plan an adventure this year. I now officially have a two week vacation from April 26th until May 11th. I really want to take a road trip. I have a different car now, so I'm no longer worried about breaking down in the middle of nowhere.
I would love to make it down your way and (maybe) out to California, if I can handle the driving. California might be pushing it, but we will see. I really want to visit the redwood forest and wine country.
As I've mentioned in previous emails, I need the break. While I'm grateful for all that I have, ESPECIALLY the people I love, and I can't emphasize that enough, life has been such a struggle this year. A year of feeling lost, trying to center myself and trying to figure out my path. The worst part is often losing hope. I've realized one thing and it's that hope is the one thing that keeps people going and once that starts slipping, the color starts draining from the world. I think I've felt that for years, even while you were here, but I've foolishly tried to fake my way through it.
Then again, as you know, I'm not a quitter. I feel inspired by your journey and whereas I felt when we first met, I was trying to help you through your trials, you can really help guide me on the right path. Perhaps new scenery and a friend lending an ear is what I need. I need to see the beauty of the world and that it's not all the same colorless, day to day cycle that I've subjected myself to for the last 7 years. I want music and warmth and laughter in my life again. I want fun. Most of all, I want hope.
That said, we will talk soon, I'm sure. I hope you have a wonderful New Year. I will be talking a walk and then will spend some time with some of the new songs I've been writing. This "down period" has resulted in terrible writer's block as well...that makes it even worse! That said, not a quitter. The words will flow again.
take care and talk soon,
B
January 7th, 2014
So, what does the normal person do when their lease is going to be up at the end of the month?
A. Find a new apartment
B. Move in with family
C. Find a couch to crash on temporarily
D. Nothing. Life is short and you should be free like the wind! YOLO!
If you answered D. Nothing. Life is short and you should be free like the wind! YOLO! we might have more in common than we ever expected!! Also, isn't YOLO just the greatest expression ever? I mean, it's so inspirational. Totes love it!
Just kidding. Don't ever fucking say yolo.
January 10th, 2014
My
hours were wasted away at a back table near a window facing the intersection of
a busy main street. I always relish window tables and the chance to watch the
busy world go by. I've spent a lifetime watching the world go by and know, in
my quietly pathetic way, that a window view makes the world seem more poetic
and optimistic when wasting a lifetime away. It made the people seem as if they
were in another dimension or, perhaps, really didn't exist at all other than
through this one window and for this one moment. I was watching people move
through the same environment that I just abandoned- crossing the same street
against the light and reflected in the same shop windows. Still, their
movements seemed to contain more purpose than mine- they seemed to have more
meaning and possibility. Businessmen and young couples and mothers with their
children and wild-eyed artists carrying over-sized bags filled with
who-knows-what. I spent a few hours watching this possibility and trying to
find it in myself, before leaving for home. I crossed the same street that I
had been watching, against the light as the wind picked up and bit me through
my few thin layers. I looked back hoping to see my reflection in the large
front window of the cafe, but it wasn't there. Perhaps, I was the one who didn't
really exist.
Sike, I exist. I just wrote that journal entry above, dummy. Don't be stupid.
The door to my favorite cafe. It was once an ice cream shop filled with happy children, but it's now a home to sad grumpy grumps like me.
January 12, 2014
You ever go trail running? You're out in nature, so I guess you're supposed to become one with yourself, clear the cobwebs out of your noggin and find spiritual enlightenment or some jazz, but mostly
it
just
hurts
I do feel as if I've accomplished something when I'm done, though. Kinda like the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" sorta thing. I don't feel stronger, though. I feel yawny and stuff. Need a nap.
This is a photo of one of the sets of stairs on the trails where I run. View the photo, feel enlightened and get your chakra right or something. Can you feel it? If not, I guess you're just not ready, grasshopper. Maybe in your next lifetime you won't be such a loser.
January 13th, 2014
Sike, I exist. I just wrote that journal entry above, dummy. Don't be stupid.
The door to my favorite cafe. It was once an ice cream shop filled with happy children, but it's now a home to sad grumpy grumps like me.
January 12, 2014
You ever go trail running? You're out in nature, so I guess you're supposed to become one with yourself, clear the cobwebs out of your noggin and find spiritual enlightenment or some jazz, but mostly
it
just
hurts
I do feel as if I've accomplished something when I'm done, though. Kinda like the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" sorta thing. I don't feel stronger, though. I feel yawny and stuff. Need a nap.
This is a photo of one of the sets of stairs on the trails where I run. View the photo, feel enlightened and get your chakra right or something. Can you feel it? If not, I guess you're just not ready, grasshopper. Maybe in your next lifetime you won't be such a loser.
January 13th, 2014
So far this journal is so
random and has very little to do with my actual day. By the way, did you know
that more people choke on whole bananas every year than ballpoint pens? What
the fuck are you people doing out there, shoving whole bananas and pens in your
mouth?
January 15th, 2014
January 15th, 2014
The passing of time
I spend my days working at a bank, watching the clock. It doesn't fit. I don't fit.
It makes me think of the construct of time.
Have you ever stopped and taken inventory of your life and, in that moment, felt completely befuddled by who/what you have become? Have you felt as if you're living someone else's life? If not, you're lucky. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember.
That idea leads me back to time. I've been thinking a lot about biocentrism. I'm not a physicist in any sense, just a curious guy, but I'll attempt to explain in layman's terms. Biocentrism postulates that it is consciousness that creates the material universe, not the other way around. In other words, intelligence existed prior to matter. Time and space are just the tools we use to try to make sense of the world around us, though we truly exist independent of those constraints.
If you add in the idea of daughter universes or even parallel universes, which are different theories based on the concept of a multiverse, we may exist in an infinite number of universes. Our physical bodies and our limited minds may exist in this 3 dimensional world (4 if you include time, I suppose), while all around us may be the whirling of millions of other universes.
I'm not a particularly religious person and I've become very cynical of the concept of an afterlife, but biocentrism seems to work in congress with the ideas of reincarnation or even, in more recent times, the idea of positive thought or "the secret." It fits neatly into the concept of reincarnation in the sense that biocentrism contends that upon death of the physical body, consciousness survives and reenters the "pool of energy" that creates the "something out of nothing."
I also mentioned positive thought or what people call "the secret" because it draws from the idea that our thoughts attract positive energy from the universe. If we truly are made up of this consciousness that transcends our physical beings, then being conscious of the energy around us that we cannot see, especially if there are daughter or parallel universes where we are leading different (possibly more accomplished) lives, makes infinitely more sense. Perhaps we can tap into our consciousness and connect to something greater. Perhaps humans have known this all along and this consciousness is what gave birth to our ideas of gods, as well as the spiritual world. Perhaps, when in tune with the energy, tapped into the right frequencies, we can sense it.
Either way, this is just me thinking and being hopeful for something more than what is on the surface. If this life, as much of a miracle as it seems on a beautiful day when all seems right in the world, is really just life and death and nothing more, that seems so pointless. I want there to be a point. I want to have hope on the days when all is dark and the world seems like it's cursed. I haven't had much hope in a long time, so give me this...as crazy as it may all seem.
Older than the sea are these things we are of...
January 21st, 2014
It has been a cold, depressing few days. I feel I should open up more, and I will, but for now I will just post the song I've been addicted to lately. Actually, most of the album this song is from (Ryan Adam's 29) is brilliant. Well, brilliant if you like really, really sad songs.
Blue sky when you gonna learn to rain?
And let yourself go blue for once
And let go of the weight you've been carrying
In this house, no one goes to sleep for days,
It’s like were working on a mountainside
Trying not to slide,
Into the ocean
January 25th, 2014
So, an tiny indie English band that I've always liked posted something on their facebook, Twitter and website asking if people want to sing on their latest album. I guess the singer has a batch of songs and would like to find a couple of other singers to contribute. Their advert went something like this:
I’m looking for female voices (soft dreamy vocals in the vein of Lyla Foy/ Lily and Madeleine/ Melody’s Echo Chamber – not Janis Joplin/ Beyonce!) and any guys who have nice voices who can can sing high and rise above a din without being rocky (Beach Boys, Bastille, Guillemots, Passion Pit etc … not Kings Of Leon).
Seems simple enough, I suppose.
Longish story shortish, I wrote to him offering my services. Yes, I'm way across the pond, as they (dunno who they are) say, but I have the means and the will power. Well, I have the means. I hope I have the will power. So, starting Thursday, I shall embark upon a recording session to capture some smooth vocal stylings.
Since nobody reads this, whoever might stumble accidentally upon these words, please wish me luck.
February 5th, 2014
Laundry night at the Hausfrau. Soon I'll have clean clothes and the world will be brimming with well-dressed possibilities. Since last I updated this journal, I've scheduled a vacation for the second half of this month, starting the 14th and stretching all the way to March 3rd. Still not completely sure what I'm doing, but I know what I won't be doing- sitting at a desk 8 miserable hours a day.
Anyway, laundry night.
As the washer tosses my sudsy clothes to and fro, I think back to the last week. I left my apartment at the end of January and have spent the better part of my day combing the innerwebs for a new apartment closer to work. I've had a looksie at a few, but they've either been overpriced or located in the types of neighborhoods that immediately cause a cloud of gloom to envelop me. So, as the search continues, I've been spending a lot of time in cafes, my parked car or sleeping in strange beds in the type of motels that immediately cause a cloud of gloom to envelop me. I'm sensing a theme. I need to find a new place soon.
I mentioned last week that I need to be recording, but that has temporarily been put on hold. I'm writing and have many scraps that were recorded last week, but until I have a chance to meet up with my drummer in his studio, it seems that I will be living on those scraps alone. I'm not a fan of these holding patterns. Life is full of them, I know, but I need to find a way to keep them to a minimum this year. Sometimes it feels as if life is one big holding pattern...waiting and waiting and waiting some more. Reminds me, this laundry should be about done.
I'm back. Took a few tries and a several lost quarters, but I finally found a dryer that works in this old place.
Oh, the tumbling of the dryer. On such an icy winter's night, to be a worn t-shirt tumbling in a warm dryer. That is my wish for my next life. I wish to be the favorite t-shirt of an adorably nerdy girl. We will spend our days browsing comic book stores or searching the windows in the hip parts of town and our nights cuddling on the couch watching Doctor Who. I won't even mind if she forgets to wash me for several weeks straight or spills takeout curry on me. I'll just be happy to be loved. The two of us making our way through this topsy-turvy world together. Oh, to dream...
Some t-shirts are so lucky.
Well, it's still this life and it's getting late. This cold weather is wearing me out. I'll spend the next 45 minutes or so looking at the falling snow through the large front window of the Hausfrau, collect my clothes and go find a strange bed to fall into, quietly pushing away the cloud of gloom trying to envelop me.
Goodnight.
February 6th, 2014
Does fixing the typos in the previous day's entry count as writing in my daily journal?
It does? Great!
See ya all later them <---- gonna come back and edit that tomorrow.
February 27, 2014
I spend my days working at a bank, watching the clock. It doesn't fit. I don't fit.
It makes me think of the construct of time.
Have you ever stopped and taken inventory of your life and, in that moment, felt completely befuddled by who/what you have become? Have you felt as if you're living someone else's life? If not, you're lucky. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember.
That idea leads me back to time. I've been thinking a lot about biocentrism. I'm not a physicist in any sense, just a curious guy, but I'll attempt to explain in layman's terms. Biocentrism postulates that it is consciousness that creates the material universe, not the other way around. In other words, intelligence existed prior to matter. Time and space are just the tools we use to try to make sense of the world around us, though we truly exist independent of those constraints.
If you add in the idea of daughter universes or even parallel universes, which are different theories based on the concept of a multiverse, we may exist in an infinite number of universes. Our physical bodies and our limited minds may exist in this 3 dimensional world (4 if you include time, I suppose), while all around us may be the whirling of millions of other universes.
I'm not a particularly religious person and I've become very cynical of the concept of an afterlife, but biocentrism seems to work in congress with the ideas of reincarnation or even, in more recent times, the idea of positive thought or "the secret." It fits neatly into the concept of reincarnation in the sense that biocentrism contends that upon death of the physical body, consciousness survives and reenters the "pool of energy" that creates the "something out of nothing."
I also mentioned positive thought or what people call "the secret" because it draws from the idea that our thoughts attract positive energy from the universe. If we truly are made up of this consciousness that transcends our physical beings, then being conscious of the energy around us that we cannot see, especially if there are daughter or parallel universes where we are leading different (possibly more accomplished) lives, makes infinitely more sense. Perhaps we can tap into our consciousness and connect to something greater. Perhaps humans have known this all along and this consciousness is what gave birth to our ideas of gods, as well as the spiritual world. Perhaps, when in tune with the energy, tapped into the right frequencies, we can sense it.
Either way, this is just me thinking and being hopeful for something more than what is on the surface. If this life, as much of a miracle as it seems on a beautiful day when all seems right in the world, is really just life and death and nothing more, that seems so pointless. I want there to be a point. I want to have hope on the days when all is dark and the world seems like it's cursed. I haven't had much hope in a long time, so give me this...as crazy as it may all seem.
Older than the sea are these things we are of...
January 21st, 2014
It has been a cold, depressing few days. I feel I should open up more, and I will, but for now I will just post the song I've been addicted to lately. Actually, most of the album this song is from (Ryan Adam's 29) is brilliant. Well, brilliant if you like really, really sad songs.
Blue sky when you gonna learn to rain?
And let yourself go blue for once
And let go of the weight you've been carrying
In this house, no one goes to sleep for days,
It’s like were working on a mountainside
Trying not to slide,
Into the ocean
January 25th, 2014
So, an tiny indie English band that I've always liked posted something on their facebook, Twitter and website asking if people want to sing on their latest album. I guess the singer has a batch of songs and would like to find a couple of other singers to contribute. Their advert went something like this:
I’m looking for female voices (soft dreamy vocals in the vein of Lyla Foy/ Lily and Madeleine/ Melody’s Echo Chamber – not Janis Joplin/ Beyonce!) and any guys who have nice voices who can can sing high and rise above a din without being rocky (Beach Boys, Bastille, Guillemots, Passion Pit etc … not Kings Of Leon).
Seems simple enough, I suppose.
Longish story shortish, I wrote to him offering my services. Yes, I'm way across the pond, as they (dunno who they are) say, but I have the means and the will power. Well, I have the means. I hope I have the will power. So, starting Thursday, I shall embark upon a recording session to capture some smooth vocal stylings.
Since nobody reads this, whoever might stumble accidentally upon these words, please wish me luck.
 |
| a random tree from the park that has nothing to do with my post |
February 5th, 2014
Laundry night at the Hausfrau. Soon I'll have clean clothes and the world will be brimming with well-dressed possibilities. Since last I updated this journal, I've scheduled a vacation for the second half of this month, starting the 14th and stretching all the way to March 3rd. Still not completely sure what I'm doing, but I know what I won't be doing- sitting at a desk 8 miserable hours a day.
Anyway, laundry night.
As the washer tosses my sudsy clothes to and fro, I think back to the last week. I left my apartment at the end of January and have spent the better part of my day combing the innerwebs for a new apartment closer to work. I've had a looksie at a few, but they've either been overpriced or located in the types of neighborhoods that immediately cause a cloud of gloom to envelop me. So, as the search continues, I've been spending a lot of time in cafes, my parked car or sleeping in strange beds in the type of motels that immediately cause a cloud of gloom to envelop me. I'm sensing a theme. I need to find a new place soon.
I mentioned last week that I need to be recording, but that has temporarily been put on hold. I'm writing and have many scraps that were recorded last week, but until I have a chance to meet up with my drummer in his studio, it seems that I will be living on those scraps alone. I'm not a fan of these holding patterns. Life is full of them, I know, but I need to find a way to keep them to a minimum this year. Sometimes it feels as if life is one big holding pattern...waiting and waiting and waiting some more. Reminds me, this laundry should be about done.
I'm back. Took a few tries and a several lost quarters, but I finally found a dryer that works in this old place.
Oh, the tumbling of the dryer. On such an icy winter's night, to be a worn t-shirt tumbling in a warm dryer. That is my wish for my next life. I wish to be the favorite t-shirt of an adorably nerdy girl. We will spend our days browsing comic book stores or searching the windows in the hip parts of town and our nights cuddling on the couch watching Doctor Who. I won't even mind if she forgets to wash me for several weeks straight or spills takeout curry on me. I'll just be happy to be loved. The two of us making our way through this topsy-turvy world together. Oh, to dream...
Some t-shirts are so lucky.
 |
| Me in my next life. Don't I look happy? |
Well, it's still this life and it's getting late. This cold weather is wearing me out. I'll spend the next 45 minutes or so looking at the falling snow through the large front window of the Hausfrau, collect my clothes and go find a strange bed to fall into, quietly pushing away the cloud of gloom trying to envelop me.
Goodnight.
February 6th, 2014
Does fixing the typos in the previous day's entry count as writing in my daily journal?
It does? Great!
See ya all later them <---- gonna come back and edit that tomorrow.
 |
| My favorite band and your inspirational listening for the evening. You're welcome. |
February 27, 2014
I'm terrible
at writing a journal or, rather, I'm terrible at talking about myself and
revealing anything. I can't decide if I want this blog to be brutally honest,
so I can really share what's on my mind and going on in my life, or if I just
want it to be lighthearted. Can't it be both?
That
leads me to my first honest confession. I think way too fucking much.
Here's is
what I realized recently on my walk around Schiller Park. It applies to me, but
I'm going to guess that it applies to many. Very private people are not private
because they dislike people and do not care one bit about what people think.
It's quite the opposite, I believe. I think they are far too concerned about
what people think and instead of exposing themselves to judgment, they hide
their true selves away. Or, even worse, they're afraid they will put themselves
out there and nobody will even care. What then? Your worse fears come true- you
truly are invisible to the world.
That's
true in my case at least. It's weird to think that's what I do when I refuse to
share my thoughts, my art, my music, myself.
Here's a
selfie I took after this epiphany. My brain is glowing, cuz I iz so smart.
Joking. Don't judge me :(
No comments:
Post a Comment